isee2020

So a friend of mine decided to post a list of things that a man should know…and apparently doesn’t.  She must have thought this would skip my notice or maybe she didn’t think that a rebuttal would be fast in the making.  So I intend to address each topic in turn. 

Before I begin.  I would like to state that most of these issues could be easily avoide by imroving altering your selection criteria.  Just a thought.

Rival Author in Pink. Here we go.

10. Truly a simple concept, but for one reason or another, too hard to grasp…..JUST PUT THE DAMN TOILET SEAT DOWN!!! Oh….and maybe try to keep the pee IN the toilet rather than perhaps on the seat itself or dripping down the side only to stain the pretty rug that lies on the tile. It’s all about direction fellas…..think about it.
10.  First of all.  If we’re talking cohabitation, why must we put the seat down?  Why couldn’t you put the seat up when your through.  I think that this plan would solve all the problems of the universe, especially since its your problem.  Also, while we are talking about people having difficulties while peeing(such as aiming according to Lacey), what about the unbelievable number of girls that I know who keep dropping their cell phone in the toilet.  This is almost a weekly affair for some of them.  I know its not exactly the same, but it seems equally absurd.  It also inconveniences us fellas in the moments when reaching these females is of paramount importance. 

9. You wanna play videogames well into your 30s and beyond??? Go right ahead. You should know though…..the louder and more obnoxious you become while playing these mindless time occupiers, the less inclined we’ll be to love on you in the bedroom. You’ve been told this since grade school…..indoor voices gentlemen.
9.  I actually get annoyed by people who constantly play video games as well, so I have no comment on this one.  However, I do not believe it to be gender specific as I can personally remember a close personal female friend of my rival author yelling and hurling projectiles at the television after an apparent disagreement with madden zebras.

8. Total turn on when you’re more than willing to run to the store for tampons and/or Vagisil. Oh stop getting grossed out already….you’re probably the reason for that itch in the first place! Buck up you Sally.
8.  Vagisil..Seriously.  Most girls wouldn’t even want to go in for condoms(if your using them).  And you want us to go in and get VAGISIL!!  Okay, that’s just too much.  If you need some help getting turned on, we’ll just buy you some alcohol(thats old hat for us…jk).

7. Women poop too. 
7.  Agreed. Though the large majority of them have yet to realize that theirs stinks too.

6. We like to know you’re thinking about us throughout the day. However, saying “Oh hunni, I thought about you today when I saw this really large chested chick with great cleavage,” somehow isn’t quite what we meant. Shocker I know. You’re intelligent enough so think of something else k? 
6.  First of all.  The real issue in question here is not the comment being made, but the intelligence of the guy making the comment.  Yes, all guys will notice large breasts as they amble by.  However, a well spoken individual might masquerade his real thoughts with a statement such as “Honey, I saw a beautiful girl walk by today, and couldn’t help but realize how lucky I am because she didn’t even hold a candle to you.”  Or an even sharper guy might complain that he no longer finds other women attractive due to the fact that the inordinate amount of time he has spent in your presence has raised the standard on women to unattainable heights.  This would of course be a lie, but at least would possibly assuage your ever growing need to daydream about us not being able(or wanting) to spend one minute of the day without thinking of a creature as perfect as you.  So its more or less your fault for settling for someone of sub-par tact and eloquence.

5. Does it add emphasis when you say the “F” word 12 times in a single sentence statement?? NOPE! You don’t need to talk to us like we’re your grandmother…BUT….you don’t need to talk to us like we’re one of your buddies either. 

5.  #6 basically applies here as well.  Except in the case that sometimes, those f bombs just come out.  Its not our fault, its in our blood.  And since you are not maternally related to us in some fashion(in which case we are genetically programed to automatically suppress and replace such statements with words such as fudge and crap), then you just gotta know that we get fired up sometimes.  Also, just so you know, the f-word is perhaps the most versatile word in the English language.  This can also be demonstrated by the fact that it is one of the few words that are so unbelievably profound that there are entire/other terms dedicated solely to referencing it(i.e f bomb, f-word, or just plain “F”).  For further reference along these lines, consult this reference.  If you think along this path, we should actually be praised for our ability to so deftly use such a complex word.

4. Let that guy at the end of the bar that’s been staring all night long buy us a drink. It’s less money you have to spend, right?
4.  Actually, I agree with this one.  Though it once again goes back to the intelligence issue.  Free alcohol for you = free alcohol for us.  Anyone with a brain knows this.

3. You’re not gonna die because you sat through the Notebook! GOD!
3.  In that case, neither will you for sitting through every football, basketball, baseball, or maybe even hockey game that our little competition driven hearts desire to watch.

2. Call when you say you’re going to….plain and simple to us…..but apparently extremely difficult to men so work on that one for us.
2.  We tried, but you dropped your phone in the toilet again….go figure.

1. This number one is of the utmost importance. It is not a pet peev. It is not the single desire of a gal like myself (seeings how I am the one writing this list). It is a Cardinal Rule that ALL man should adbide by when trying to maintain civility on earth with women…..drum roll please……..

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

Sound familiar? Perhaps it was something you’re mother used to say? Or maybe your homeroom teacher in the 8th grade? You’re homeroom teacher in the 8th grade was a woman, correct? Chances are….yes, that is correct. Anyway, you’ve been hearing it all your life and the statement itself is redundant, I know, but there is a reason you’ve been hearing it your whole life, darling. It’s a damn Cardinal Rule! For some reason men all over the world test it’s limits….maybe even try to break it or change it a little. Well news flash guys, it CANNOT be changed or tweeked, let alone broken. Since you’ve been hearing it your whole lives I won’t go into it’s numerous meanings, but I will say this much and leave you at that……rules are always meant to be broken and I’ll be the first to admit that……but this one…..this Cardinal Rule…..has no loopholes, gentlemen, and it’s not a hard one to accept. Try it sometime if you haven’t already and I promise you this…..you’ll praise the day I guarantee it….oh, and another plus…..if you stick to it, you’ll never hear it from the mouth of another woman in your life EVER AGAIN!

1. First of all.  My 8th grade homeroom teacher was a guy, and the general consensus was that he was gay.  So there goes that particular piece of ammunition.  Also, I agree with this rule, so why don’t you stop flirting with our friends, the mailman, the bartender(actually keep doing that honey, free shots!! refer to rule #4), or generally anyone within a 10 meter radius in order to attract as much attention as possible.  Especially if you’ve come to the stage where you’ve replaced flirting with us for pooping and talks of vagisil because your just so darn comfortable around us.  Now i’m personally not the jealous type, but this will bother just about any guy to an extent.  And no matter how much you claim that you are just playing, or having fun, or whatever.  Guess what.  We’re not.  Especially when we probably just received some five minute lecture earlier that day because we happened to take a second glance over our shoulder to admire some girl with a particularly well manicured back lawn.  Guess what. We’re just playing and having fun.  Basically this particular refutation sums up the whole reason for my rebuttal to these rules, as always, the door swings both ways.